Dethawing in fall
Welcome to Dyspatch, a new newsletter for my personal writing. Take a load off!
All roads lead to newsletter
My specific roads that brought me here today: 1. I quit my tech job a month ago, 2. I am slowly coming out of an intense fog of anxiety, which mostly paused my life and brain for the last few months, and 3. Brother, I’d like to get writing again! Creating a container is a good way to encourage a ritual, and participating in the Substackian industrial complex may just compel me. I deleted Instagram for a bit—please clap—so I’ve been scrolling here. My first internet home (twitter) was plundered, so I am looking for a new stead and trying this one on for size.
I think I’ll try to write Dyspatch bi-weekly. I named it Dyspatch because I’m dyslexic…dyslexia dispatch. You get it. Shout out to my talented friend Casey Jong who created the logo for me. Colors and vibe inspired by Goodnight Moon.
You’re “supposed” to be niche with these things but I will not be. It’ll be random, mostly reflections on all of the context that came before, which burdens me. I have joyous context and troublesome context, both of which I’d like to write about here…
Thanks for being here, if you are <3 and if you aren’t no worries at all. 🔫
On being frozen
To get to my glorious dethaw, I would like to mention how I got frozen and what that was like. Aka my big anxiety. Guys it legit suuuucked.
“Frozen” and “thawing” isn’t a perfect metaphor, because what I was rocking with was waking up with a beating heart, and spending most hours of the day bracing for when a more intense panic would inevitably set in. The image coming to mind is that scene in The Incredibles where Frozone freezes the cop but his eyes still move. Though I of course would never be a cop. Imagine a cop with my pronouns..
Some days were better than others, but the bad days were my worst mental-health wise in over a decade—when I was 16, I first dealt with a months-long era of constant panic attacks and other physical symptoms of anxiety. I have thought about 16-year-old me a lot over the last few months. I am so glad that this time around, I was ten years older, and I had more knowledge and agency to try to get better.
And try I did! Celexa. Higher dose of Celexa. Not drinking. Self-hypnosis meditation. Box breathing. Beta blockers. Zofran. Somatic therapy. IFS therapy. Higher dose of Celexa. Exercise. Drinking. Deciding to quit my job. Klonopin. Effexor.
Some of this stuff helped a lot (new therapy and Klonopin). Some of it did not (my mind is too powerful for beta blockers and red wine, even on an empty stomach at my friend’s wedding).
What caused my sudden nose dive into panic? Ultimately I don’t think it was that sudden. I got the KO anx hit in July, where I was like ahhh, I think my entire focus needs to be on addressing this. But I remember feeling whispers of physical anxiety in the spring. Then I think moving back to Brooklyn from Portland, Oregon shook up my system enough for some stuff to break through my mental barricade of tidy narratives around hard things I’d experienced in the last few years, and freak me tf out. It is terrible for me to realize the story I’m telling myself about an aspect of my life isn’t actually holding water, and that I don’t have all the answers, or know what to do or what everything means. It seems to make me spiral. Working on that!
Of course I am talking trauma. I’ve got mommy issues, darling! I will certainly further detail those specific trials and tribulations in future Dyspatch editions. I’m bread crumbing you guys fr.
So this is me dethawing
My thaw cocktail: I think it was a combination of the right meds (I love you, Effexor), pushing myself in a new type of therapy that challenges me every week (in my therapist’s office, not on zoom), and getting out of a work routine that made me feel really disconnected from an inner sense of purpose. Listlessness at your computer job is not good if you have listlessness in your amygdala.
Also it needs to be said: exposure therapy made a huge difference. I made myself do things that made me anxious, especially if I knew I’d regret not doing it or be haunted by the idea that I could have done it.
My most epic exposure moment: Going upstate with a group of friends in early October, despite social stuff triggering my panic most sharply. I was anxious as fuck at moments, but it was the best weekend I had in a long time. A huge aspect of my anxiety is having a panic attack or something in front of people. It turns out you can be mentally ill in front of your beloved friends and they’re still f with you…never forget that, kay?
A specific revelation: Feeling panicky in the car in front of my best friend. When I was in high school and first dealing with anxiety, I didn’t tell a single friend about how much I was struggling. So a trusted bestie bearing witness to my raw vibes was a truly magical release, a breaking of a solo-endurement-curse. Helps that I trust her with my life and she’s getting her PhD in clinical psych…
The Effexor kicked in around my first few days of unemployment, post quitting my J. Since then, I have enjoyed some moments of intense gratitude and relief and joy at being out of the scariest parts of the mental illness woods. There are a lot of things I’m able to do now that would’ve been out of the question just a month ago, when panic attacks were still stalking me around the clock, and I cradled a half benzo in my pocket everywhere I went.
I am in the afterglow period where I have not yet deviated to the mean of my mental state. My more peaceful existence is a revelation, and feels like a privilege. I am so thankful to ride the bus and the subway. I’m thankful to host my beloved scorpio’s birthday party. I’m thankful to go to workout classes, where my favorite instructor knows my name and asks where I’ve been. I’m thankful to say yes to seeing a new friend, who I couldn’t bring myself to meet with sooner.
I’m thankful to be dethawing. If you are reading this, and you are feeling frozen, I was there recently, and not to be trite, but it’s gonna get better.
I am sending you love and heat, so you may thaw.
Footnote: FML bro…
Something you should know about me (an ongoing segment)
My cat Fig doesn’t have bottom teeth.
I love you Officer They 🚨
can’t wait for moreeeeee! 🕺🏽